Too Short For My Weight

     Hello all! I hope everyone is doing well. I had a wonderful weekend. A friend invited me to a tea party with a guest speaker on the topic of Body Image.

     I felt great about hearing some of the same things I've been blogging about, but also found some good resources for more topics for future blogs.

     Eating disorders were a big part of the discussion, and it got me thinking. I don't tell many people this, because I tend to stay positive and not share challenges, but this is so far behind me I think it could maybe help someone; I had eating disorders for almost 2 years as a teen.

     I struggled with Anorexia at 13, lost a  lot of weight (some of that was from getting Mono) and even more self esteem. I didn't like myself. I was a late bloomer and was told on a regular basis by boys my age that I had a body just like them.

     I started sleeping as late as I could get away with, skipping breakfast and just disappearing at lunch time. I would often lie about having already eaten lunch. At dinner time, I would take tiny portions, push food around my plate and put things in my napkin. I would go to a friends house before dinner and tell both families I ate at either place. I was depressed.

     I met someone in a play I was in who quickly figured out what I was doing. We had become swing dance partners within months of meeting. "Heidi, you can't do all of this hardcore training with me when you have no energy. You really need to eat more" He said on several occasions.

     I started to really like this boy and found myself agreeing with everything he said. He told me that if I didn't start eating  he would have to find a more healthy partner. I freaked out and began eating around him, but not at home.

     Re-starting an eating habit was very hard. I had to force myself to eat, and sometimes that caused me to vomit. This became normal. Then I felt like I was getting some food, it just wasn't staying in my system long enough to make me fat.

     This lasted several months, and then my partner noticed. Again with the threats of finding someone else to dance with. I loved dancing. We had competed several times together at this point, and I had felt like I finally found something that would keep me happy.

     Out of all of this, I am so grateful to my friend for seeing how beautiful I was regardless of my figure. I am even more grateful that he didn't tell my parents. They would not have understood. He started saying, "I'm so hungry, do you want to get something to eat?" every time I saw him. This made me love food again, because he did. 

     Within a few months of ending my battle with Anorexia and Bulimia, I had a growth spurt.  I grew 4 inches taller in one summer, my hips spread, and I felt like a girl finally. 

     No one had ever told me that you grow out before you grow up. I was a new person. I always had insecurities in the back of my head, but somehow it was easier to cope with. It was okay to love food. It was okay to not look like a model.

     I know that my short lived food-free battle is nothing in comparison to those who have struggled their whole life. I am grateful that I was able to overcome without the help of therapy. However, I highly recommend therapy for those dealing with eating disorders.

     I still struggle every day to love my body. Like most women, I bought into the lie of what the ideal woman is. Surrounding myself with positive people, the books I read, and knowing that I am created in God's image means the woman staring back at me in the mirror is always smiling.

     

This is a picture of me a few months after my growth spurt.