I am writing to you because as you know, we got into a fight. A big one. I took a year and a half off of talking to you and having a relationship with you. I don't mean to rehash the past or open old wounds, but some things have been left unsaid and I wish to say something very important to you. Bear with me as I am known for my tough exterior.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting my pride counteract my empathy and compassion. I'm sorry I refused to speak with you over our disagreement. I'm sorry I let my hurt feelings dictate how to respond. I'm sorry I abandoned you in a time you needed unconditional love and acceptance.
I never meant for a year and a half of silence between us. I want to thank you for the years of relentless love that lead up to "that day"- you have no idea just how much you meant to me. In fact, I didn't know either. I couldn't believe how many nights I cried myself to sleep or lay awake because I didn't know what life without you looked like. Of course many nights turned into weeks, months, and then a year. I was baffled by how much I still thought about you and dare I say- deeply care for you.
Here is what life looked like- in many ways it was the same, but something was missing. I have lost loved ones, I even had one of my dearest friends pass away. This felt a lot like that. I would see something that reminded me of our friendship and reach for my phone, only to realize I could no longer do that. Life was very empty without your larger than life personality in it.
I'm sorry that instead of facing my demons, I chose not to acknowledge their existence. I'm sorry I chose to run when things got difficult instead of weathering the storm with you.
Thank you for allowing me back into your life, and showing me that vulnerability can be a strength. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and being an outwardly emotional person, as I had no idea just how much I needed that in my life. I know we can't have that time back, but I sure hope you will let me attempt to make up for it.
I want you to know that I am here. I will not run. If challenges come up, I will do my best to face them with you. Feel free to call me out when I don't. I also want to thank Adele for the perfect timing of her release "Hello" which made me email you. I love you, and moving forward I will follow your example of jumping with both feet.
With much love and humility,
The Very Sorry Lydia to your Lizzie (or Bekah to your Paula)