An Open Letter to Someone I've Hurt

     The following is a letter I have been working on for a lost friendship that is on the mend. If anyone reading this has had a similar falling out with someone in their life, I would encourage you to write a letter to them or reach out in some way. Life is too short to hold grudges, or have too much pride over who might deserve blame.

     Dear Friend,

     I am writing to you because as you know, we got into a fight. A big one. I took a year and a half off of talking to you and having a relationship with you. I don't mean to rehash the past or open old wounds, but some things have been left unsaid and I wish to say something very important to you. Bear with me as I am known for my tough exterior.

     I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting my pride counteract my empathy and compassion. I'm sorry I refused to speak with you over our disagreement. I'm sorry I let my hurt feelings dictate how to respond. I'm sorry I abandoned you in a time you needed unconditional love and acceptance.

     I never meant for a year and a half of silence between us. I want to thank you for the years of relentless love that lead up to "that day"- you have no idea just how much you meant to me. In fact, I didn't know either. I couldn't believe how many nights I cried myself to sleep or lay awake because I didn't know what life without you looked like. Of course many nights turned into weeks, months, and then a year. I was baffled by how much I still thought about you and dare I say- deeply care for you. 

     Here is what life looked like- in many ways it was the same, but something was missing. I have lost loved ones, I even had one of my dearest friends pass away. This felt a lot like that. I would see something that reminded me of our friendship and reach for my phone, only to realize I could no longer do that. Life was very empty without your larger than life personality in it.

     I'm sorry that instead of facing my demons, I chose not to acknowledge their existence. I'm sorry I chose to run when things got difficult instead of weathering the storm with you. 

     Thank you for allowing me back into your life, and showing me that vulnerability can be a strength. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and being an outwardly emotional person, as I had no idea just how much I needed that in my life. I know we can't have that time back, but I sure hope you will let me attempt to make up for it.

     I want you to know that I am here. I will not run. If challenges come up, I will do my best to face them with you. Feel free to call me out when I don't. I also want to thank Adele for the perfect timing of her release "Hello" which made me email you. I love you, and moving forward I will follow your example of jumping with both feet. 

With much love and humility,
The Very Sorry Lydia to your Lizzie (or Bekah to your Paula)

Crohn's - The Ugly Truth

     As most of you know, I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease last summer. I have been on an emotional and physical roller coaster ever since. 

     I get asked a lot, "What is that?" To which a timid Heidi that I didn't know existed replies with something to the effect of, "It's an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation". The following are responses that I have actually gotten after telling someone I have Crohn's Disease;

"I don't know what that is, but I have something similar" 

"Oh I know all about that because my friend's cousin has that or something close to it"

"I don't know what that is, but I hope you get cured soon"

"There's a special diet for that"

"Is that what's causing your weight gain?"

"It can't be that bad, you don't look sick"

      I have nothing against those responses, they have helped make something very clear- there is very little awareness for this disease. I at one point have probably said something very similar to a fellow sufferer.

Allow me to give you some facts about this disease:

1) Crohn's causes rapid production of white blood cells (antibodies) which then results in your body attacking itself as though you were one big infection.

2) Crohn's Disease can affect both intestines, the colon, joints, eyes, and mouth.

3) Crohn's is chronic, so sufferers will have it for their lifetime.

4) Between 70-90% of sufferers will need to have surgery.

     I am not usually honest with people who ask me about my disease. I feel like I am protecting them. "Who would really want to know about that" I ask myself. The problem with that, is I have become more and more isolated with that line of thought. Well I have to LIVE with it. Why shouldn't I tell people who ask? 

      Before I started my road to remission (haha!), my every day life consisted of waking up with horrible stomach pain, and having a very painful bowel movement first thing in the morning. After every meal I either had to run to the bathroom or crawl depending on my pain level. It felt like someone was scraping my insides over and over with a knife and occasionally stabbing. There was blood in almost all of my bowel movements- which was sometimes as frequent as 12 times a day (aren't you glad you decided to read this?!), and I had debilitating exhaustion/fatigue. My joints ached and I was on edge a lot. I'm considered a "mild" case. Please hug someone who says they have moderate or severe.

     After the diagnosis I began the unfortunate roller coaster of medication and side effects as I had now become an experiment. I have been on medications that cause horrible acne (when I have never in my life had to deal with acne before), insomnia, weight gain, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, even more fatigue (I didn't know that existed!), and the list goes on. I am currently relying on my husband to give me injections every other week into my stomach with a medication that does not work on me, while I'm waiting for insurance to decide if it is worth it for them to try another treatment.

     I have read countless blogs and articles written by fellow sufferers that talk about how fitness has changed their life. I don't know how anyone has the energy to workout regularly, but decided I would work out a minimum of 3 times a week for a whole year. I just completed 5 months and 1 week without skipping any workouts, and sometimes doing more. I will finish my year of fitness. I wish I could tell you it has changed my life and I look forward to waking up every morning, but that would make me a huge liar. I fight through the fatigue, I fight through the feeling of being hit by a car. 

     If this experience has taught me anything, it is this; we as humans are resilient. We are capable of more than we ever imagined. I didn't know I had this much fight in me until I got knocked down... A lot. I am stronger than I know. YOU are stronger than you know. Whatever battle you're fighting, whether it is internal, physical or beyond- you can handle it, and the outcome is worth the struggle. Be gentle with yourself and others, as we cannot know what each of us is going through. If you are feeling alone, please reach out. I'm so glad I did, and I am still here. I don't know everyone who reads this, but I love you, and you are not alone. 

If you are interested in hearing someone else's thoughts on chronic illness, please take the 3.5 minutes to watch Hank Green do a spectacular job of articulating what it's like to live with a chronic illness.

https://youtu.be/3krVl6UMIeo

Crohn's Disease and Self Love

     Wow, it sure has been a long time. I thought I had written everything there was to write about self image... And then I got sick.

     I have had yet another surgery on my nose- reconstructive this time. I was not allowed to lift weights for 6 months and for the first time, I experienced muscle atrophy as well as significant weight gain. When I finally got the go ahead for getting back in the gym, I was experiencing major fatigue and stomach pain. I felt like I was dying. As of July of last year, I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. 

     Although I am grateful for answers, this disease has taken a huge toll on my confidence and self image. Chronic illness is not always visible and often very difficult to talk about.

     I am a massive extrovert and need constant companionship, however for the first time in my life I didn't want to be near people, and would opt to stay home for a weekend over getting out of the house and doing something with friends. My relationships have suffered over the last year, and I am still struggling to find balance.

     My greatest joy still comes from expressing myself through makeup and fashion, and helping others do the same. I lost view of that while wallowing in self pity, but am slowly picking up the pieces.

     If you are struggling with loving yourself, grab hold of those who lift your spirits and redefine/rediscover your passion. 

     Loving the person in the mirror has very little to do with what you're physically looking at. You are loved. You are worth it.

Dreaming of Hogsmeade

     As many of you know, Leaky Con is taking place in Orlando FL right now. I am not there, but my close friend is; she has been including me in everything as though I was. I have received texts, pictures, and she even got me a t-shirt. As disappointed as I am that I was unable to go, I am extremely grateful for a friend who cares so deeply.

     I have been determined to make this last half of 2014 extraordinary. It's kind of funny how once you make a decision, sometimes things seem to fall into place. One of my brothers, and his family will be moving to Idaho in a couple of weeks, and I get to enjoy visiting with my niece and nephew that I rarely get to see. Just a couple of weeks after that, my good friend is moving back from Alaska with her family, and I get to enjoy her company. Not too long after that, another brother is visiting with his family! I am truly blessed. Don't ever lose sight of your blessings. My year turned around because I allowed it to. 

     I have hit a few bumps in the health department. While on a trip to Seaside OR, I broke the Whole30, but have been diligent (mostly) about cooking my own food. I'm feeling great and know that I can be healthy again really soon.

     I will be posting some pics from upcoming weddings that I will be doing makeup for towards the end of the month. I am so excited about this!

     I had promised in my previous blog, that I would share a recipe or two from my Paleo lifestyle journey. I have enjoyed so many, so it will be fun for me to share my favorites with you.

     I know that my blogs aren't always cohesive, or well themed, or even well thought out at times. I have decided that this is just going to be how it is. I will be writing whenever and about whatever I choose. I hope you like.

This is currently my favorite breakfast: http://www.mynaturalfamily.com/recipes/paleo-recipes/paleo-teriyaki-chicken-skewers-recipe/

This one is great for summer grilling: http://www.mynaturalfamily.com/recipes/paleo-recipes/paleo-teriyaki-chicken-skewers-recipe/

Hiatus

     Wow, that was quite the hiatus I was on... Sorry to disappear for 7 months, but there has just been so much stuff going on. I will spare you the details, and sum up; the epic trip to Africa? Canceled. The incredibly anticipated trip with my very close friend and husband to Disney World for their birthdays? Canceled. Moving to Alaska this summer? You get the idea.

     Sometimes, life is filled with disappointment. Sometimes you can make all the plans you want, and nothing goes right. Sometimes this depresses you and you forget what you're good at and what gives you passion and excitement. My last 7 months have been filled with dr appointments, lab tests, medical bills, stress and frustration.

     I know I typically stay positive, so I'm really not trying to make this a "Whoa is me" post. I'm here to tell you that there is life beyond your misery. I honestly thought that this year was going to be the most exciting year of my life. A mission trip, adventures in a new place, etc. This was going to be "my" year! However, I can often forget that I am not in control. God has other plans. I must admit I have thrown myself some pretty embarrassingly big pity parties over the past several months. I am not proud of that, but it is the truth, and I am human, and I am sharing it with you.

     As my close friend Jennifer is getting ready to go on the epic adventure that we have been planning together for a year (without me), it is hard not to think what I could have done differently to lead me to this point in my life. The floodgates of "What ifs" break wide open and spill into my every thought. Again, sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. Although disappointing, you have no control.

     As I reflect on my year to date, and realize I am not living in Alaska, nor did I just return from a lifelong dream mission trip in Africa with new experiences and perspectives on life, and am not currently getting prepared for an epic week at Disney World with some of the best people on earth; I wonder... Why do I feel okay? Maybe brooding for several months got all the sadness out of my system? No. I have amazing friends and family who continue to show me what is more important with their actions.

     I have had a wonderful year so far. Do you remember my New Year's box? I opened it. I have had so many good things happen this year, but was so focused on the negative that I managed to lose sight of the positive in my life. I have an amazing husband who has brought me to appointments, listened to me, and cared about my every day life. I got to visit one of my dearest friends in the whole world in January and then got to see her again in May. I will get to witness two of my very favorite couples get married, that had my plans gone through; I would have missed.

     This will be a slightly different blog, due to this mostly being about my journey to health. I have had digestive problems, for as long as I can remember. I'm sure all of the stress I put myself through this year magnified all my issues and brought them to the surface. I am currently on the Whole30; an intense elimination diet (I will add a link below) and will be switching to a cleaner way of living at the end of the month. No more processed foods and eating out all the time. 

     As I transition to a more primal diet, I am hoping to share a few Paleo/Primal recipes with you. I even made something tonight that made me quite proud of myself. I am sorry to say that I ate it all before thinking to take a picture. I will add the recipe at the bottom.

     Please find a way to focus on the blessings and good people in your life. They always out way the bad. This year went the way it should have gone. That is a hard pill to swallow, but the types of things I had planned can be done another time. I am alive. I am getting healthy. There is plenty to celebrate. Until next time.

Paleo Peach Cobbler

Crust:

1 cup Almond Meal

1 cup Pitted Dates (chopped finely or put through a processor)

2 Tbs Ghee

2 tsp Unsweetened Coco

Filling:

4 Large Ripe Peaches 

1/4 cup Arrow Root

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees f, and grease an 8" round pan with ghee or coconut oil. Mix crust ingredients together in small mixing bowl with a fork or your hands, until ingredients resemble pea sized crumbles.

Peal and chop peaches and mix with arrow root in medium sized bowl. Pour mixture into 8" greased pan and spread crust over top. Bake for 30-40 minutes or until crust is a darker brown.

http://whole30.com/

New Year!

     Hi everyone! I apologize every time I have a gap between writing, but I have decided not to do that this time, because I really needed that time for physical healing and time spent with loved ones over the holidays. 

     It's the end of the year again! I am so excited for the New Year, as I'm sure a lot of you are. I hope you all remember the challenge I am doing, so you can do it with me. I am making a box (I'll post pictures when I'm done with it) for all the wonderful things that may happen over the next year. This will help keep focus on all the things that have gone right in my life, rather than dwelling on the negative. Here's the deal: Any time an event impacts you positively, or someone does something special for you, or maybe you just had a self realization that will have a positive outcome; you will write that down on a piece of paper and stuff it into the box. The rules I found on Pinterest indicate not looking at what's inside until New Year's Eve of the next year. I am going to change this slightly, because I know that there a lot of people (including myself) who have rough times, and may need assurance throughout the year. I am not sealing the box, but making it accessible if I need a mid year boost.

     I have been thinking a great deal of all of the things that have happened throughout this first year of me being in an industry that was previously unfamiliar to me. Even though I have learned some hard lessons from some business failures in the begininng, I loved every minute of it. I would not take it back or change courses if I was given the opportunity. This has been such a learning curve and has shown me all the things I have to be grateful for. I have a very supportive husband, and such positive friends and family backing me up that it is truly overwhelming at times. I feel incredibly blessed and have my God to thank for all of it.

     I want to share with those of you who may not know me personally, what sorts of things that have happened this year.

1. I started a new business

2. I learned what questions to ask and who to ask (the hard way).

3. I learned that if you are going to bring in a 3rd party or another company to help you, you must be absolutely clear about what your expectations are, or it will have been a waste if time, energy, money, and volunteers.

4. I had to get a pixie cut because of some poor decisions (that I still oddly enough do not regret) from the previous year. This made me learn how to love my face as is. I no longer had hair to hide behind.

5. I learned a very new self confidence that I never knew I could have. Sharing myself through videos and not caring about who doesn't like it, has done wonders for my self esteem!

6. I struggled hardcore with organization this year. I don't even know if that will be better next year, but I'm okay with that. I mean, if that's my biggest issue in life, I think I've got it pretty darn good.

7. My husband and I took bounding leaps of progress in the communication department. We have talked about everything this year and grown closer together because of it.

8. People I love moved away, and although that still stings a bit, I know I can visit them and Skype. The relationships you have to work for, are often the most rewarding.

9. People love me. I had a very scary car accident and I am still overwhelmed to tears every time I think of everyone who brought me food, drove me to appointments, or took time out of their day to send me words of encouragement.

10. I have prayed my hardest this year. I have had so many friends go through rough times, medical problems, losing loved ones, loved ones getting medical problems, etc. this year has possibly been the hardest year for me to be a good friend. There have been times I feel like I'm not doing enough, there have been times where I have felt useless. These are the times I prayed the hardest. If you are my friend, chances are I have prayed for you. It seems like 9 out 10 people in my circle had some sort of hardship this year, and I wish I could do more.

11. Finally, I have learned to blindly trust. This has been such an issue for me in the past. I like being in control, and don't know what to do with myself when I can't be. I have had to trust my own instincts without knowing what could come of it. I have had to trust others and hope that they will be accountable. I had to trust my husband to take care of things that I couldn't when healing. This is the hardest lesson of the whole year, and I find it very fitting that it happened so close to the New Year. 

Please don't allow yourself to be so jaded that you deprive yourself of the joy of trusting others (or even God). I have been let down a lot in my life, so I got to be bitter in some ways, to the point of having the attitude of do everything myself because other people suck. This was possibly the loneliest time of my life. Let people in. I have built some of the best possible friendships this past year.

     I am so excited for the challenges and blessings that 2014 has to offer. Make this your year to be a better you. 

Here's my New Year's box! I will probably decorate it more with pictures as the year progresses.

 I left a perforated flap underneath in case I want to open it throughout the year. Feel free to share pics of the ones you make. I would love to see your creativity.

Let It Go

     Hi everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. I am still restricted from normal life like work, the gym (Nooooo!), laundry (Yay!), and so on. I get my nose cast removed this Friday (I will post pics) and can go back to work Saturday.

     During the Thanksgiving hustle and bustle, I managed to see Frozen in the theater. Without giving anything away, the main villain of the movie has a lot to do with fears, and one of the underlying themes is finding yourself and sharing what you find with others. Also, there is a musical number in the movie called "Let It Go". All of these things are what I would like to talk about today.

     Why do most people conceal who they really are in any given situation? Because of fear. Any amount of fear can be debilitating. I can remember as a teenager, I thought I had excellent style after I started buying my own clothes, until a group of girls my age made fun of me. That made me so wary of being who I was. I was scared of what others thought of me. All of sudden the thoughts of others became a concern of mine. Why? I never saw those girls again. Why would there be a long term affect? Why would I go from confident to insecure over a comment and some laughter by complete strangers? My bubble was popped. I had this beautiful innocent vision of the way things were, and someone pooped on it.

     The insecurities from my eating disorders had been long forgotten and then abruptly thrown back in my face. I would stare at myself in the mirror for way too long analyzing what was "wrong" with me physically. I would pick at myself, including over tweezing my eyebrows and putting way too much makeup on to try and hide what my face really looked like. I discovered the hair straightener and became crazy about not wearing my hair curly (I still sort of have this issue...). I tried really hard to be what I thought other people thought I should be and continued to fail miserably.

     Do you want in on a secret? People don't think about you. I know that sounds brash, but hear me out. When you interact with strangers daily, the people you may run into have a million things swirling around in their brain just like you do. If someone says something unkind to you out of impatience or stress (I am unfortunately guilty of this myself), you will typically think on this for far more time then the offender(s). For instance, when someone says something nice to me, it makes my day and I remember it. This exact scenario can also happen when someone is rude, but I don't usually think about that for nearly the amount of time as a compliment. The person who said or did those things most of the time will not think twice about it once it is said and done. Of course there are wonderful people in this world who genuinely feel bad after a distasteful interaction with a stranger, but not for more than 24 hours typically.

     I am not nearly close to the self image I would find ideal, but I would say I am for the most part; confident. I have already beat the dead horse as far as talking about making lists, so I won't spend time reiterating (but it really works!), but I will say that the practice of letting go can do wonders for your self esteem. I am not suggesting that you become apathetic, nor am I saying you should never care about what people think. Sometimes the criticism of others can enlighten you or change you for better. I like to take a tiny amount of time to reflect on what was said or done to me. This includes asking myself the following questions: Is this interaction a reflection on something I said or did? Did I do something wrong? Did that person sound stressed or hurried? If it was a reaction to something I did, I plan on not doing or saying that thing again, but if there is no lesson to be learned I have to chalk it up to the fact that the other person was having a bad day. Maybe they found out they have cancer, or lost a loved one, or something as simple as they are running late. Be forgiving. Don't be the person who is easily offended.

     I have a saying that a lot of my close friends make fun of me for; "I do what I want", now if you know me, you know that I would never be intentionally unkind to anyone, so this mantra is basically saying "I'm going to be myself". I make a fool of myself on a regular basis. I am probably the butt of many jokes because of the silly things I say and do publicly. I would have zero time to do anything else if I stewed over everything that other people thought was stupid. Somewhere along the line I decided to do what I want. I am not a mean spirited person. I love who I am and who I become daily. I know that I would not have as many friends as I do if I wasn't nice. I love life and attempt to pull others into my silliness as often as I can.

     Please, I am begging you, do not waste time with worries over something so small as what others may think of you. Life is too short to be someone else. You are too good. God made us all unique. Yes we have similarities, but no one can be a better you. Learn to love what is different about you rather than wondering if you fit in. Let it go.

http://youtu.be/1LF0RedPmYo
Here is a sequel to my last video, if you haven't already seen it. This is an example of how I do what I want.