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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Surgery

     After almost 2 weeks of doctor appointments and not working, I am scheduled for surgery on my nose (6am tomorrow!). I have done a fair job of keeping calm up until this point. Today I had a good cry. It was explained to me by the surgeon, that even after splinting and straightening out the bones in my nose, it could still be "bulgy" and "slightly deformed".

     The idea that I may go through more physical pain and recovery just to find that I still don't look like myself gave me a slight panic attack. I know that my nose is not the first thing people see when they look at me. I also know that my broken nose is very slight compared to a lot of other broken noses, my doctor even told me he has seen far worse. I know I shouldn't be concerned with this, and in the grand scheme of things I should be happy that I didn't lose my eye and that all my injuries could have been much worse.

     I am human, and I have fears. Some rational, and some not. I had a dream this week, that the surgeon didn't put me under, and without warning, bopped the side of my nose with a hammer, nodded, and said "That worked". Logically I know this is not what will happen to me, but I can't help but think about it.

     My bones and bruises will heal. Over time my anxiety as a passenger in a vehicle will will fade and I can eventually forget the accident. I have learned over the past couple weeks just how wonderful my life really is. My husband is the most amazing person in my life, and I have the best friends. My in-laws are some of the most compassionate and kind people. My family is thoughtful and generous. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people, and this has made me realize how much I take for granted on a daily basis.

     I know that no matter what my face looks like, I am beautiful. This is what should matter to me most. I have people in my life that will love me no matter what. I have qualities and talents that will not go away just because my face isn't as attractive as I think it should be. There are much larger issues in this world. I need to count my blessings.

     Thank you for letting me ramble. 




Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Accidents Happen

     Hi all. I realize that I just told you in my last post that I do not want this to become my online journal, but something has happened in my personal life that I feel like sharing with you. Friday evening, my husband and I were in a car accident. Nothing serious, in fact I was the only one in both cars to get injured. The airbag deployed and hit me in the face, causing blurred vision in one eye, internal bleeding in the other, and a broken nose.

     We got home close to 2am after leaving the ER. Once everything was behind me, I was able to reflect on the situation and discovered a few things. My husband felt awful. We rear ended someone while he was driving, and I got hurt. He is still apologizing even though I have let him know I am fine. The things that I have assessed from the accident don't make me feel very proud. 

         1. I felt that Paul was "lucky" that I was hurt, because 
         had we both been fine I probably would have been 
         angry and told him he should have been paying 
         attention and that he ruined our weekend. Granted, this 
         did not happen, but I can almost guarantee that I would 
         have responded that way.

          2. Had we both been injured I would be equally upset 
          over the loss of both incomes as well as
          the damage of the car.

          3. The accident happened about 2 minutes away from 
          our destination, which also made me a 
          little angry.

     Because my husband already felt horrible, I could not imagine rubbing salt in that wound by giving him a hard time over my injury. I am ashamed that anger was the common denominator in each scenario that could have happened, but also relieved that the way in which I acted and reacted to the situation in the moment was out of kindness and concern for Paul. I had blood gushing from my nose, and knew the very second it started bleeding that it was broken. Paul immediately unbuckled and put his arms around me repeating, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" And in the moment, all I could think to say was, "It's okay. I'm fine. You need to call 911".

     Once we were in the ER and they had assessed my injuries and taken all of the proper precautions, Paul was again by my side upset and apologizing. He is a wonderful man, as you can tell. In our marriage, things seem to always work out like this. One of us is upset, and the other is calm and rational. I don't think we have ever been freaking out about something at the same time. I let my self cry and shake and be scared in the back of the ambulance, and then remained calm for Paul when we arrived at the hospital. This in itself is amazing to me, because I am very emotional.

     I can't explain my own human nature sometimes. I'm not sure why I didn't yell at him when I was bleeding and scared in the car. I like to think I was looking out for him, but I'm not sure that I was. Maybe it was the adrenaline.

     It has been only 5 days since the accident, and we have received such an outpouring of love and help, that I am almost glad I got injured (almost), because it has made me realize what we (I) tend to take for granted. How wonderful it is, during this season of gratitude, to be reminded of how many friends and family I have that truly love and care about me. To everyone who has jumped to our aid, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I am surrounded by generous and kind people.

     I usually try and find the life lesson hidden in a traumatic experience like this. In the coming weeks, I believe I will have a better grasp on that, and I hope you won't mind me sharing it with you when I do.



Here is a video I made.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

New Year

     Hello! I know I may have lost a lot of my readers because of inconsistency and I really apologize. I get hung up on what to write. I don't want this to be an online journal. I want my topics to be meaningful and inspiring, and because I couldn't think of anything of value to say, I have been absent for the last couple of weeks.

     I am a rare and strange human being. I say this, because I love change. Change is exciting to me. I see change as a clean slate, an adventure, and a new opportunity. Sure there are times when I am hesitant to change, but once things are explained to me, I for the most part am thrilled. Life can get boring without change. The unknown can be exhilarating.

     January is right around the corner. The Holidays usually breeze by, and then I am left thinking about what happened throughout the year. I reflect upon the accomplishments and failures. I was given a great idea by a post from a friend that I will share a picture of at the bottom; a New Year's Jar. Starting January 1st, you write down all of the positive events and things that you have accomplished throughout the year. On New Year's Eve, you open it up and remind yourself of what a good year it really was.

     Human nature often causes us to be so critical of ourselves and others. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all saw the good in ourselves? Self love leads to love for others. Sometimes we don't have anything to give, because we are being too hard on ourselves.

     Please join me in this next year in writing down the things that matter. I want to look back on my life and have few regrets (I would say no regrets, but no one is perfect, and it's a little too late for me;).